Leaving this organization

I’m on a 30 day vacation after an extremely hectic five months. This is the first vacation since I was appointed a manager in the current organization I work for where I started the vacation with no stress of the immediate future. Last year I was called back to the company, cutting my vacation just few days after it started and putting myself in an extremely stressful time due to the anxiety of the that important presentation I had to give to the board of directors. I was a different man at that time, I cared. The year before I was actually working during my vacation on an important document, which end up being delayed for two full years.

My current job puts me in immense levels of anxiety that really took its toll over my mind and body. For example during the work week my mind would be submerged in negativity and it would be impossible for me to relax after work. The quality of my sleep was nothing short of nightmarish. I end up gaining a substantial amount of weight because I wasn’t able to do anything after work due to the different ailments I would feel in my body after I left work. It felt weird in my mind, and I think this constant anxiety altered my brains and I would be startled by my the mere idea that there was a voice inside my head.

I’m bloated all the time while I’m in the city where I worked, and everything I thought about had it’s toll over my brain. While I’m an intelligent person, thinking about anything related to work immediately lowered  my IQ, same thing used to happen during my school years, where anything that I perceived difficult would put pressure on the front of my head and I would do anything to escape it. Anxiety.

I’ve been contemplating leaving the company, where i’ve worked for 9 years but I’ve never had the guts to do so. But now it’s different, with the pressure I’ve been dealing with and the looming arrival of yet another extremely stressful event later this year which I will be totally responsible for if we failed at achieving, the idea of leaving this company feels like the right thing to do. While my options are limited, but there is an escape.

This vacation I feel different, I feel liberated because I took the decision. I’ve even voiced it to one of the executives in a moment of frustration. I think the decision to leave this company is not about escaping the stress only, but rather about a life decision to escape my circumstance. Something I’ve been trying to do for the past 18 years.

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The Apple Store gave me anxiety 

Shattered my new iPhone’s screen. Decided to go to the only apple store in the city to fix it. As I entered the store I started to feel the arrival of my good old friend,  anxiety. The store is designed to be a very social, with an almost circus like environment with no one really tending to your requirement with minimal social interaction. When the robots take over earth I will probably relinquish my social anxiety. it took me a while to approach one of Apple’s programed to be friendly androids to ask how to fix my iPhone. A beautiful girl was almost approaching me, and I evaded her like a pro. I spoke with the less intimidating fella.

I’m a tall 6’1″ man with an athlete build, not that I’m an athlete mind you, and gray hair and beard despite being 31 years old. Of course I had my sunglasses on the whole time, hiding from my own existence hoping no one will notice the mountain that is me.

Tried to calm myself yet failed,  10 minutes later I left the store. But I came back and fought the anxiety and actually spoke to someone and took an appointment. Ultimately I left and canceled the same day pick up opportunity and decided to put it off for another 100 years.  

I partially won. I refused to give up instantly because I knew that if I do then this horrible error in my internal coding wins. 

Of course the mere act of going to this huge mall where the store is located is an anxiety festival. The distance is far away from home, the mall is always busy and there is a big chance I will be meeting someone I know eventually. 

I passed by a donuts shop on the way out and got me a sugary treat, a way of showing how much I’m committed to self destruction.

I was shaky, sweating and feeling like hot acid was dripping inside my skull. I hate this, I hate how I’m conditioned to be this way but I blame no one for, albeit my mother for causing my social anxiety and everything wrong in my life, but seriously it’s on me to fix it. I can’t escape myself after all. 

Giving a 10 minutes speech 

I know I will survive this. It’s a matter of saying things so people will go home feeling a little bit better about themselves. I’m sweating, my heart racing, flushing, weakness in my legs and worried that I would trip or fall from the stage or feel toof anxious that I will choke on my words. Trying to think about an opening statement or act that will help. 

I feel helpless, trapped and I feel that I Have to give this speech rather than Want. The ironic thing is that it is actually me who requested that this speech to be inputted in the events. This is my own personal choice and I’m sitting here in this hotel loopy dreading this shit. 

I gave the speech and during giving it is felt that I will faint but I held myself and carried on. After the event was completed in felt energetic and slight joy. Later on it was replaced with depression. I liked how people looked at me after the event with admiration. But I didn’t feel fulfilment. I couldn’t process the good emotions. 

I hate myself for feeling this way. Why should I suffer this way. 

The state of being overwhelm 

My job is a major source of stress and anxiety to me. I feel completely and utterly overwhelmed by everything that is taking place now at work that I feel trapped in my life to the point that I feel trapped and coming to the belief that nothing will ever will get better. There is no escape to all of this madness. It feels like being trapped inside a mad cyclone that I temporarily escape on weekends to be dragged back to in weekdays.

I’ve overloaded and overwhelmed and I think I’ve passed my breaking point long ago and now I’m being compressed, imploding on my self, and frankly wasting my time in a complete waste of life.

I feel stunned, and my mind seems not to be able to register anything. The weeks pass in a blur, and my family doesn’t help with anything. There is no one to speak to about this. I refuse to seek professional help.

I want to escape this body, leave everything behind. I want one good day in my life, with no stress with no agony.

I forgot how to be normal, how to be human. It’s like a marathon toward a cliff.

I know that I have to face this, this is the only way to pass to the other end. There is no way around suffering but suffering itself. I know that I need to change my state of mind, to thinking logically about things and alter the thoughts that are pushing me toward this state of mind and feeling.

Escaping your own skin

Somedays I feel like nothing really matters, and I will go no where. I will remain in this cycle. Certainly I’m not doing any thing major to escape it. I really hate my life. I hate my self and everything. Nothing is really interesting at work. Nothing really interesting at home. My mind is stagnant and I don’t seem to be able to move forward.

Yesterday I was determined to win this, to conquer my way of thinking using the Event-Belief-Reaction system which is actually helpful in identifying what is wrong with your pattern of thinking, and subsequently on your emotions and physical sensations. I knew that I would be overwhelmed by works events, and sooner or later I’ll be dragged into depression either by mother or by something else. Even the cold weather and a few clouds are more than enough to yank me to emotional winter.

There is no intellectual people in my life that I can speak with. My mind tends to erase the events of the previous day once I wake up from sleep. Operating on anxiety all the time will first make you fat, and second will make you forget everything. Taking leaves from work will resolve nothing. At the end I will come back to the same cycle of idiocy.

I will quit. For the sake of change and self challenge. I will go somewhere totally new.

Mental clusters of distortion

I’ve decided to embark on a journey of learning CBT. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. There is this exercise where you think about an event that triggered a negative physical or emotional reaction and write down the belief you have that lead you to your reaction toward that event, implying that your belief, visible or hidden to you, is resulting in how you feel or react rather than the event itself.

While I started to use CBT for my anxiety, I’ve discovered that I have way more hidden other mental distortions that I’ve forgotten about. It made me make the connection finally.

I’ve realized that my Self Doubt is the source of my anxieties and associated avoidance of social and work related events.

While Self Hate prevents me from learning and achieving any form of growth, because “I don’t deserve it”, that is why when I read a book about a subject related to work or something I would like to learn I immediately get bodily feelings of pain and head pressure and vision distortion. Self hate is something that I’ve developed back in my dark years, my teenage years of torment back in the house near the mountains.

I realized that my “search for attention” leads me to yearn for complements, for other people’s love and praise and more dangerously, it makes me want to be liked by everyone even if that meant saying whatever will make them feel good against my own beliefs.

I also realized that my strong desire to “escape my circumstance” which I’ve also developed during my teenage years when I wanted to escape from poverty, mother’s oppression, repeated abuse, my anxieties…etc, lead me to my current existential frustration and afterwards depression when I remain “trapped” unable to escape.

The more I run this exercise for every event I face in my life the more I discover these clusters of thinking distortions that were built in the past 20 years.

I hate my world 

When someone says they hate the world, they mean their world. I hate mine. I know I should seek acceptance, but at this moments I choose not to. I choose to rebel against my circumstances. 

I’m not appreciative, I know that. I’ve gained a lot of weight, feel stuck in the same company for the past 8 years although I’ve been promoted to a good job, but I can’t appreciate that. I’m not fulfilled. 

What’s with man’s search for fulfilment? Why are we all seeking something grand to do with out lives. Why can’t we accept what “is” now and just live every moment as it is. Are we hard wired to “seek”. Are we suffering when our seeking endeavour yields nothing. 

What do I want. I want to break free, but from what? I have no idea. Living under oppression until I became 25 years old or so is what is causing this internal “seek” to break from “something”.